I was about 10 years old, and school pictures were coming out. I was SO excited because these pictures were perfect, I just knew it!! Well as perfect as a 10 year can be….
- Outfit
- Hair
- Front teeth
In the first grade, I had school pictures with two front teeth missing, suffice it to say, NOT PERFECT, even at 7, I knew that was not picture worthy.
So the day was here, and I was going to have really good pictures.
In the small town I lived in at that time, we would cut out the little 1×1 pictures that came in the package and trade them, showing off how many we were able to collect, think of this like a pre-Facebook “like” process before the internet.
Believe me, back then it was a big deal, like maintaining your right to breathe status!!
Primed for show off status, feeling like I was FINALLY going to fit in; as I was still fairly new to the school, all the girls in my class would not make fun of me, not anymore, because this year the school pictures were perfect. I just knew it!! I was so excited all day long……was the end of the day EVER going to arrive?!?
At the end of the day, the school passed out the big envelopes; almost too big to hold onto, while walking home. As I approached the table, a teacher motioned for me to come talk with her. I’m so excited now, I ran over. Of course, the teacher wanted to talk to me, I mean, my pictures were perfect, she wanted to tell me how great they were. The teacher looked into my eyes and gently said, “I’m so sorry dear, but you cannot have your pictures, please talk with your mom. She will explain everything”. I was confused, because what was there to explain. I ran home as fast as I could, burst in the front door, out of breath, yelled ….”Mom, mom, the school won’t give me my pictures!! Mom what’s going on?!?”
I didn’t need an explanation, you see I knew the answer, I knew what the problem was, I had hoped and prayed it wouldn’t be true but I knew, deep down inside. 10 is too young to be aware and understand about money and basic needs – but I did. I knew it all too well. School fees were still unpaid for that year, until the school fees were paid, pictures were not available to students. I was crushed. That year it was very tough, sometimes no money for electricity, sometimes little for food.
In my little 10 year old brain I knew that something wasn’t right and come hell or high water, I would NEVER EVER be like this to my kids, my family, to myself, when I grow up – I was motivated by what I didn’t want. Granted, at 10 years old, I could not know everything that factored into the situation, but it certainly had an impact on me.
Too often, we take experiences and expectations from a young age and carry it with us into adulthood without reflection of where this motivation or internal drive comes from. It’s now so much a part of us that to question the origin or look at how this motivation serves us in the present moment, seems impossible.
We are comfortable with what is familiar, the habits formed and repeated over and over, that are now interwoven into the very essence of who we are, that blindness of where we are going is not possible to see. Oftentimes we hear phrases like “that’s just the way it’s done”, “that’s just who I am”, “that’s just what my family has always done”, repeated often enough and taken as fact.
When we stop to evaluate the results seen in our life from the actions taken, the veil lifts when we begin to ask questions inward for clarification.
- How does this action serve others or me at this moment?
- What do I expect to accomplish?
- Is this outcome what I really want?
- What do I want?
Perspective changes everything and while easy to say and apply externally, internally takes effort and determination, but not impossible.
Because one of my driving motivations in life focused on what I did not want, I rarely focused on what I thought was possible. I found myself tethered to the past, that moving in my own direction felt impossible. My definition of success remained connected to an unsuccessful time in my past. As an adult, I found that successful accomplishments were never enough and I would push myself harder and harder, yet never fulfilled.
Take a look around, if the results you see around you are not what you want or need, ask yourself these questions. Be willing to try on some different thoughts and see if the results are better, at least different.
Your old habits and patterns will still be there if you find that change is something you do not choose. But, what if you do choose? What if you do decide? You decide that what drives you now is or should be something different from the past.
What if you find a new motivation and it’s better than you could have ever imagined?
